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  ARGYRIPPUS

  Indeed I will, and really with pleasure, i’ faith. Placing his arm round PHILENIUM’S neck. In the meantime, if it seems good to you, do you step aside there.

  LEONIDA

  to LIBANUS . Should you like our master to be bantered a bit?

  LIBANUS

  He really is deserving of it.

  LEONIDA

  Should you like me, in his presence, to make Philenium embrace me?

  LIBANUS

  I’ faith, I should like it.

  LEONIDA

  Follow me this way They join ARGYRIPPUS.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Is there any escape at all? Have you conversed enough?

  LEONIDA

  Listen, and give attention, and devour my words. First of all, that we are your slaves, we don’t deny; but if twenty silver minæ are forthcoming for you, by what name will you call us?

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Freed-men.

  LEONIDA

  And not patrons?

  ARGYRIPPUS

  That in preference.

  LEONIDA

  produces the bag . Here are twenty minæ in this bag. These, if you like, I’ll give you.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  May the Deities ever preserve you, protector of your master, honor to the people, treasury of resources, preserver of my inner man, and commander of love; place it here, put down that bag, here on the spot, at once.

  LEONIDA

  I don’t like you, who are my master, to carry this load.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Still, do you rid yourself of the trouble, and fasten that bag to myself.

  LEONIDA

  I’ll carry it, porter-like; you, as befits my master, go, without any burden, before me.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  How now? Why’s this? Why don’t you give up the bag here, for your master to feel its weight?

  LEONIDA

  Bid her to whom I’m about to give it, to beg and entreat it of me. For that’s a dangerous spot where you bid me put it down at once.

  PHILENIUM

  to LEONIDA . Apple of my eye, my rose, my life, my delight, Leonida, do give me the money, and don’t sever us lovers asunder.

  LEONIDA

  to PHILENIUM . Call me, then, your little sparrow, your chicken, your quail, your pet lamb: say that I’m your pet kid or your pet calf; take me by the ears, press your lips to my lips.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  She, kiss you, you whip-scoundrel?

  LEONIDA

  Really, how unbecoming it does seem! But, by the powers, you shan’t get it this day, if my knees are not embraced.

  >ARG.

  aside . Necessity compels to anything. To LEONIDA. Let them be embraced kneels down and embraces his knees : now give what I’m asking for.

  PHILENIUM

  Come, my Leonida, prithee do bring safety to your master thus in love. Redeem yourself from him by this service, and purchase him for yourself with this money.

  LEONIDA

  You are very pretty and amiable; and if this were mine, you should never this day ask me for it, but I would give it you: ’tis better for you to ask it of him pointing to LIBANUS , for ’twas he gave it me to keep for him. Approach him then prettily, my pretty one. Delivers the bag to LIBANUS. Take this, please, Libanus.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Scoundrel, are you still trifling with me?

  LEONIDA

  I’ faith, I should never have done so, if you hadn’t embraced my knees so roughly. Aside to LIBANUS. Come, please, in your turn, do you at once have some sport with him, and give her an embrace.

  LIBANUS

  aside to LEONIDA . Hold your tongue; trust me for that.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Why don’t we accost him, Philenium? pointing to LIBANUS — really, a very worthy fellow, upon my faith, and not like this thief pointing to LEONIDA .

  LIBANUS

  aside to LEONIDA . We must walk up and down; now, in my turn, they’ll be entreating me.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  By heaven, Libanus, I do entreat you, be pleased by your deeds to come to your master’s rescue; do give me those twenty minæ: you see that thus in love I stand in need of them.

  LIBANUS

  It shall be seen to; I wish it done; return here at nightfall. Now bid her, ever so little, to beg and entreat them of me.

  PHILENIUM

  to LIBANUS . Do you wish me to begin with caressing, or with kissing you?

  LIBANUS

  Why, really, with them both.

  PHILENIUM

  And do you then, I do entreat you, prove the saving of us both.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  O Libanus, my patron, do give me that; ’tis more becoming for the freed-man, than for the patron, to be carrying a burden in the street.

  PHILENIUM

  My Libanus, golden apple of my eye, the gift and the very grace of love; there’s a dear, whatever you wish, I’ll do; prithee, do give us that money.

  LIBANUS

  Call me, then, your little duck, dove, or your puppet; your swallow, jackdaw, little sparrow, your mannikin: make of me the reptile that crawls, so that I may have a double tongue; enfold me in your arms, and embrace my neck.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  She, embrace you, villain?

  LIBANUS

  Really, how undeserving I do seem. You shan’t for no purpose have uttered a speech so unseemly against me. By my troth, if indeed you expect to get this money, this day you shall carry myself on your shoulders.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  What? I, carry you?

  LIBANUS

  Otherwise, you shan’t get this money from me.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Heavens, I’m undone! Still, if indeed it is decorous for the master to carry the servant, mount.

  LIBANUS

  In this way are proud people wont to be tamed. Stand still then, just as you were wont to do when formerly a boy. Do you understand what I say? He prepares to get upon the shoulders of ARGYRIPPUS. Aye — so — move on: I praise you much; not any horse is there more clever than yourself as a horse.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  while stooping . Get on, directly. LIB. I’ll do so. He gets on. Hallo! — what’s the matter? How are you going? By my troth, I’ll deprive you of your barley then, if you don’t amble, lifting up your feet.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Prithee, Libanus, there’s enough now.

  LIBANUS

  Never this day, by my troth, shall you get anything by entreaty. For now up hill with the spur will I push on my steed. After that, I’ll deliver you to the millers, that there you may be tortured as you run. Stand still, that I may now at once get down for the hill, although you are but a bad one. Gets off his shoulders.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Well now — since you’ve both made fun of me just as you liked, are you going to give the money?

  LIBANUS

  Why, yes, if, indeed, you erect to me a statue and an altar, and then sacrifice an ox to me here as though to a God; for I am the Divinity Salvation to you.

  LEONIDA

  Nay, but, master, do you betake yourself away from him, and do you come to me. And, what he has demanded for himself, will you erect a statue for me, and offer prayers to me?

  ARGYRIPPUS

  But what Divinity am I to call you?

  LEONIDA

  Fortune, and that the Propitious one.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  You are better than he then.

  LIBANUS

  Why, is there ever anything better for a man than Salvation?

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Though I praise Fortune, still, not to speak in dispraise of the Divinity Salvation ——

  PHILENIUM

  By the powers, but they are good, both of them.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  I shall know it, when they have conferred anything that’s good.

  LEONIDA

  Wish for that which you desire to befall you.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  W
hat if I do wish it?

  LEONIDA

  It shall come to pass.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  I wish for her to be devoted to me alone this whole year round.

  LEONIDA

  You have obtained it.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Do you really say so?

  LEONIDA

  I do say so for certain.

  LIBANUS

  Come to me, in my turn, and make trial: wish ardently for that which you especially desire to happen to you; it shall be done.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  What other thing could I ardently wish for rather than that of which I am in want? Oblige me with twenty silver minæ to give to her mother.

  LIBANUS

  They shall be given: take care and be of good courage, your wishes shall be fulfilled.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Just as they are wont, Salvation and Fortune are deceiving mortals.

  LEONIDA

  I this day have been the head in finding this money for you.

  LIBANUS

  I have been the foot.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Why, neither head nor foot of your talking is visible; I can understand neither what you mean, nor why you are trifling with me.

  LIBANUS

  I think that now you’ve been teased enough; now let’s disclose the matter as it really stands. Give your attention, Argyrippus, if you please. Your father has ordered us to bring this money to you.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  How very à propos and opportunely you have brought it.

  LIBANUS

  giving him the bag . Here, in this, there will be twenty good minæ, obtained by bad means: these, on certain conditions, he bade us give you.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Prithee, what are they?

  LIBANUS

  That you would grant him her favours and an entertainment.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Bid him come, I beg. For him who deserves it right well, we’ll do what he wishes, him who has brought these scattered loves of ours to a happy result.

  LEONIDA

  You’ll permit your father then, Argyrippus, to caress her?

  ARGYRIPPUS

  She, by being restored to me, will easily cause me to permit it. Prithee, Leonida, run, and beg my father to come here.

  LIBANUS

  He has been in the house some time.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  He hasn’t come this way, at all events.

  LIBANUS

  pointing to the back way . He came round that way by the lane, through the garden, lest any one of his friends should see him coming here; he’s afraid that his wife may come to know of it. If your mother knew about the money, how it was obtained ——

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Well, well — do use words of good omens; go in-doors quickly, farewell.

  LEONIDA

  And you two, love on. He and LIBANUS go into the house of DEMÆNETUS; ARGYRIPPUS and PHILENIUM into that of CLEÆRETA.

  ACT IV.

  Enter DIABOLUS and a PARASITE, with a scroll in his hand.

  DIABOLUS

  Come now, show me this agreement that you’ve written out between myself and the procuress. Read over the conditions; for you are a quite unique composer in such matters.

  A PARASITE

  I’ll make the procuress be terrified when she hears the conditions.

  DIABOLUS

  Troth now, prithee, proceed and read them over to me.

  A PARASITE

  Are you attending?

  DIABOLUS

  I’m all attention.

  A PARASITE

  reads the agreement . “Diabolus, the son of Glaucus, has made a present to Cleæreta, the procuress, of twenty silver minæ, that Philenium may be with him night and day for this whole year.”

  DIABOLUS

  Yes, and not with any other person.

  A PARASITE

  Am I to add that?

  DIABOLUS

  Add it, and take care and write it plainly and distinctly.

  A PARASITE

  writes it down, and then reads . “And not admit any other man whatever, because either her friend or her patron, she may choose to call him — —”

  DIABOLUS

  Not any one!

  A PARASITE

  “Or because she may say that he is the lover of a female friend of hers. The door must be closed to all men except to yourself. On the door she must write that she is engaged. Or, because she may affirm that the letter has been brought from abroad, there is not to be even any letter in the house, nor so much as a waxed tablet; and if there is any useless picture, let her sell it; if she does not part with it, within four days from the time when she has received the money of you, let it be considered as your own; you to burn it if you like; so that she may have no wax, with which she may be able to make a letter. She is to invite no guest; you are to invite them. On no one of them is she to cast her eyes: if she looks upon any other person, she must be blind forthwith. Then she is to drink cup by cup equally with yourself. She is to receive it from you; she is to hand it to you for you to drink. She is not to have a relish for less or for more than yourself.”

  DIABOLUS

  That’s quite to my taste.

  A PARASITE

  reading . “She is to remove all causes of suspicion from her, nor is she to tread on any man’s foot with her foot; when she rises she is neither to step upon the next couch, nor when she gets down from the couch is she thence to extend her hand to any one; she is not to give to nor ask of any one a ring for her to look at; she is not to present dice to any man whatever except to yourself; when she throws them, she is not to say, You I call upon,’ she is to mention your name. She may call on any Goddess that she pleases as propitious to her, but on no God: if she should chance to be very full of devotion, she is to tell you, and you are to pray to him that he may be propitious. She is neither to nod at any man, wink, or make a sign. In fine, if the lamp goes out, she is not to move a single joint of herself in the dark.”

  DIABOLUS

  That’s very good; so, in fact, she must do: but expunge that about the chamber; for my part, I prefer that she should move. I don’t wish her to have an excuse, and to say that it is forbidden her by her vow.

  A PARASITE

  I understand, you fear some quibble.

  DIABOLUS

  Just so.

  A PARASITE

  Then as you bid me, I’ll strike it out. Erases it.

  DIABOLUS

  And why not?

  A PARASITE

  Hear the rest.

  DIABOLUS

  Say on, I’m listening.

  A PARASITE

  goes on reading . “And she is not to use any shuffling words, nor is she to know how to speak in any tongue but the Attic. If perchance she should begin to cough, she is not to cough so as to expose her tongue to any one in coughing. But if she should pretend as though she had a running at the nose, even then she is not to do so; you yourself must wipe her lips rather than that she should open her mouth before another person. And her mother, the procuress, is not to come in in the middle of the wine, nor is she to utter a word of abuse to any one; if she does so speak, let this be her fine, to go for twenty days without wine.”

  DIABOLUS

  You have written it nicely; a clever agreement.

  A PARASITE

  “Then, if she bids her maid-servant carry chaplets, garlands, or unguents, to Venus or to Cupid, your servant is to watch whether she gives them to Venus or to a man. If perchance she should say she wishes to keep herself in purity, let her account for as many nights as she has kept herself in purity. These are no trifles; for they are no funeral dirge.”

  DIABOLUS

  The conditions please me entirely; follow me indoors.

  A PARASITE

  I follow. (They go into the house of CLEÆRETA.) ...

  Enter DIABOLUS and the PARASITE.

  DIABOLUS

  Follow this way. Am I to put up wit
h this, or shall I hold my tongue? I would rather die than not discover this to his wife. And say you so, old man? With a mistress would you be acting the part of a youngster? Would you be excusing yourself to your wife, and calling yourself an aged man? Would you be taking the mistress from her lover? And would you be presenting the money to the procuress, and be secretly pilfering it from your wife at home? You should hang me, rather than you should carry off these matters undiscovered. On my honor, I’ll really go this instant hence to her whom I’m sure that you’ll very soon be destroying, in order that you may be able to supply your extravagance, unless, indeed, she shall first prevent you.

  A PARASITE

  I’m of opinion that thus you must act. ’Tis more becoming that I should disclose this matter, rather than yourself, lest she may think that you, excited by reason of love, rather than for her own sake, have acted thus.

  DIABOLUS

  Why, faith, you say what’s right. Do you then contrive to raise a storm and strife against him, that he, together with his own son, is carousing with one mistress the livelong day, and that he’s secretly pilfering from her.

  A PARASITE

  Don’t suggest to me. I’ll take care of that.

  DIABOLUS

  But I’ll wait for you at home. Exit DIABOLUS; the PARASITE goes into the house of DEMÆNETUS.

  ACT V.

  A Table, and everything requisite for an Entertainment, being placed before the house of CLEÆRETA, enter ARGYRIPPUS, DEMÆNETUS, and PHILENIUM, from the house of CLEÆRETA.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Come then, father, let’s take our places, please.

  DEMAENETUS

  As you bid me, my son, so it shall be.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  . to the ATTENDANTS . Lads, spread the table.

  DEMAENETUS

  Is it at all displeasing to you, son, if she takes her place by me? They take their places.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Duty, father, keeps sorrow from my eyes; although I love her, still I can control my feelings, not to take it to heart because she takes her place by you.

  DEMAENETUS

  It becomes a young man to be respectful, Argyrippus.

  ARGYRIPPUS

  Troth, father, through proper regard for you, I can be so.

  DEMAENETUS

  Come, then, let’s enjoy this banquet with wine and pleasant discourse. I don’t wish to be feared, I prefer myself to be loved by you, my son.