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  MERCURY

  apart . Not even one word of these has he yet uttered correctly; for I was there in the battle personally, and my father too, when it was fought.

  SOSIA

  continuing . “The enemy betook themselves to flight. Then was new spirit added to our men, the Teleboans flying, with darts were their bodies filled, and Amphitryon himself, with his own hand, struck off the head of Pterelas their king. This battle was being fought there even from the morning till the evening. This do I the better remember for this reason; because on that day I went without my breakfast. But night at last, by its interposing, cut short this combat. The next day, the chiefs came weeping from the city to us at the camp. With covered hands, they entreated us to pardon their offences; and they all surrendered rendered up themselves. and all things divine and human, their city and their children, into the possession and unto the disposal of the Theban people. Lastly, by reason of his valour, a golden goblet was presented to my master Amphitryon, from which king Pterelas had been used to drink.” These things I’ll thus tell my mistress. I’ll now proceed to obey my master’s order and to betake me home. He moves.

  MERCURY

  apart . Heyday! he’s about to come this way; I’ll go meet him; and I’ll not permit this fellow at any time to-day to approach this house. Since I have his form upon myself, I’m resolved to play the fellow off. And indeed, since I have taken upon me his figure and his station, it is right for me likewise to have actions and manners like to his. Therefore it befits me to be artful, crafty, very cunning, and by his own weapon, artfulness, to drive him from the door. But what means this? He is looking up at the sky. I’ll watch what scheme he’s about.

  SOSIA

  looking up at the sky . Upon my faith, for sure, if there is aught besides that I believe, or know for certain, I do believe that this night the God of Night has gone to sleep drunk; for neither does the Wain move itself in any direction in the sky, nor does the Moon bestir herself anywhere from where she first arose; nor does Orion, or the Evening Star, or the Pleiades, set. In such a fashion are the stars standing stock-still, and the night is yielding not a jot to the day.

  MERCURY

  apart . Go on, Night, as you’ve begun, and pay obedience to my father. In best style, the best of services are you performing for the best of beings; in giving this, you reap a fair return.

  SOSIA

  to himself . I do not think that I have ever seen a longer night than this, except one of like fashion, which livelong night I was hanging up, having been first whipped. Even that as well, by my troth, does this one by far exceed in its length. I’ faith, I really do believe that the Sun’s asleep, and is thoroughly drenched. It’s a wonder to me if he hasn’t indulged himself a little too much at dinner.

  MERCURY

  apart . Do you really say so, you scoundrel? Do you think that the Gods are like yourself? I’ faith, you hang-dog, I’ll entertain you for these speeches and misdeeds of yours; only come this way, will you, and you’ll find your ruin.

  SOSIA

  to himself . Where are those wenchers, who unwillingly lie a-bed alone? A rare night this for making the best of what was a bad bargain at first.

  MERCURY

  apart . My father then, according to this fellow’s words, is doing rightly and wisely, who in his amorousness, indulging his passion, is lying in the embraces of Alcmena.

  SOSIA

  to himself . I’ll go tell Alcmena, as my master ordered me. (Advancing, he discovers MERCURY.) But who is this fellow that I see before the house at this time of night? I don’t like it.

  MERCURY

  aside . There is not in existence another such cowardly fellow as this.

  SOSIA

  aside . Now, when I think of it, this fellow wishes to take my mantle off once more.

  MERCURY

  aside . The fellow’s afraid; I’ll have some sport with him.

  SOSIA

  aside . I’m quite undone, my teeth are chattering. For sure, on my arrival, he is about to receive me with the hospitality of his fist. He’s a merciful person, I suppose; now, because my master has obliged me to keep awake, with his fists just now he’ll be making me go to sleep. I’m most confoundedly undone. Troth now, prithee, look, how big and how strong he is.

  MERCURY

  aside . I’ll talk at him aloud, he shall hear what I say. Therefore indeed, in a still greater degree, shall he conceive fears within himself. In a loud voice, holding up his fists. Come, fists, it’s a long time now since you found provision for my stomach; it seems to have taken place quite a long time ago, when yesterday you laid four men asleep, stript naked.

  SOSIA

  aside . I’m dreadfully afraid lest I should be changing my name here, and become a Quintus instead of a Sosia. He declares that he has laid four men asleep; I fear lest I should be adding to that number.

  MERCURY

  throwing about his arms . Well, now then for it. This is the way I intend.

  SOSIA

  aside . He is girded tight; for sure, he’s getting himself ready.

  MERCURY

  He shan’t get off without getting a thrashing.

  SOSIA

  aside . What person, I wonder? MERC. Beyond a doubt, whatever person comes this way, he shall eat my fists.

  SOSIA

  aside . Get out with you, I don’t wish to eat at this time of night; I’ve lately dined. Therefore do you, if you are wise, bestow your dinner on those who are hungry.

  MERCURY

  The weight of this fist is no poor one.

  SOSIA

  aside . I’m done for; he is poising his fists.

  MERCURY

  What if I were to touch him, stroking him down, so that he may go to sleep?

  SOSIA

  aside . You would be proving my salvation; for I’ve been watching most confoundedly these three nights running.

  MERCURY

  My hand refuses to learn to strike his cheek; it cannot do a disgraceful action. Hand of mine, of a changed form must he become whom you smite with this fist.

  SOSIA

  aside . This fellow will be furbishing me up, and be moulding my face anew.

  MERCURY

  to his fist . The man that you hit full, his face must surely be boned.

  SOSIA

  aside . It’s a wonder if this fellow isn’t thinking of boning me just like a lamprey. Away with a fellow that bones people! If he sees me, I’m a dead man.

  MERCURY

  Some fellow is stinking to his destruction.

  SOSIA

  aside . Woe to me! Is it I that stink?

  MERCURY

  And he cannot be very far off; but he has been a long way off from here.

  SOSIA

  aside . This person’s a wizard.

  MERCURY

  My fists are longing.

  SOSIA

  aside . If you are going to exercise them upon me, I beg that you’ll first cool them down against the wall.

  MERCURY

  A voice has come flying to my ears.

  SOSIA

  aside . Unlucky fellow, for sure, was I, who didn’t clip its wings. I’ve got a voice with wings, it seems.

  MERCURY

  This fellow is demanding of me for himself a heavy punishment for his beast’s back.

  SOSIA

  aside . As for me, I’ve got no beast’s back.

  MERCURY

  He must be well loaded with my fists.

  SOSIA

  aside . I’ faith, I’m fatigued, coming from board ship, when I was brought hither; even now I’m sea-sick. Without a burden, I can hardly creep along, so don’t think that with a load I can go.

  MERCURY

  Why, surely, somebody is speaking here.

  SOSIA

  aside . I’m all right, he doesn’t see me; he thinks it’s “Somebody” speaking: Sosia is certainly my name.

  MERCURY

  But here, from the right-hand side, the v
oice, as it seems, strikes upon my ear.

  SOSIA

  aside . I’m afraid that I shall be getting a thrashing here this day, in place of my voice, that’s striking him. Moves.

  MERCURY

  Here he is — he’s coming towards me, most opportunely.

  SOSIA

  aside . I’m terrified — I’m numbed all over. Upon my faith, I don’t know where in the world I now am, if any one should ask me; and to my misfortune, I cannot move myself for fright. It’s all up with me; the orders of his master and Sosia are lost together. But I’m determined boldly to address this fellow to his face, so that I may be able to appear valiant to him; that he may keep his hands off me Advances towards the door.

  MERCURY

  accosting him . Where are you going, you that are carrying Vulcan enclosed in your horn?

  SOSIA

  Why do you make that enquiry, you who are boning men’s heads with your fists?

  MERCURY

  Are you slave or free man?

  SOSIA

  Just as it suits my inclination.

  MERCURY

  Do you really say so?

  SOSIA

  I really do say so.

  MERCURY

  Whip-scoundrel!

  SOSIA

  Now you are telling a lie.

  MERCURY

  But I’ll soon make you own that I’m telling the truth.

  SOSIA

  What necessity is there for it?

  MERCURY

  Can I know whence you have set out, whose you are, or why you are come?

  SOSIA

  pointing . This way I’m going, and I’m the servant of my master. Are you any the wiser now?

  MERCURY

  I’ll this day make you be holding that foul tongue of yours.

  SOSIA

  You can’t; it is kept pure and becomingly.

  MERCURY

  Do you persist in chattering? What business now have you at this house? Points to the house.

  SOSIA

  Aye, and what business have you?

  MERCURY

  King Creon always sets a watch every night.

  SOSIA

  He does right; because we were abroad, he has been protecting our house. But however, do go in now, and say that some of the family servants have arrived.

  MERCURY

  How far you are one of the family servants I don’t know. But unless you are off from here this instant, family servant as you are, I’ll make you to be received in no familiar style.

  SOSIA

  Here, I say, I live, and of these people I am the servant.

  MERCURY

  But do you understand how it is? Unless you are off, I’ll make you to be exalted this day.

  SOSIA

  In what way, pray?

  MERCURY

  You shall be carried off, you shan’t walk away, if I take up a stick.

  SOSIA

  But I declare that I am one of the domestics of this family.

  MERCURY

  Consider, will you, how soon you want a drubbing, unless you are off from here this instant.

  SOSIA

  Do you want, as I arrive from foreign parts, to drive me from my home?

  MERCURY

  Is this your home?

  SOSIA

  It is so, I say.

  MERCURY

  Who is your master, then?

  SOSIA

  Amphitryon, who is now the general of the Theban forces, to whom Alcmena is married.

  MERCURY

  How say you? What’s your name?

  SOSIA

  The Thebans call me Sosia, the son of my father Davus.

  MERCURY

  Assuredly, at your peril have you come here this day, with your trumped-up lies, your patched-up knaveries, you essence of effrontery.

  SOSIA

  Why no, it’s rather with garments patched-up that I’m arrived here, not with knaveries.

  MERCURY

  Why, you are lying again; you come with your feet, surely, and not with your garments.

  SOSIA

  Yes, certainly.

  MERCURY

  Then certainly take that for your lie. He strikes him.

  SOSIA

  By my troth, I certainly don’t wish for it of course.

  MERCURY

  But by my faith, you certainly shall have it of course, whether you wish or not: for, in fact, this is certainly my determination, and it is not at your own option. He strikes him.

  SOSIA

  Mercy, I entreat of you.

  MERCURY

  Do you dare to say that you are Sosia, when I myself am he? Strikes him.

  SOSIA

  crying at the top of his voice . I’m being murdered.

  MERCURY

  Why, you are crying out for a trifle as yet, compared with what it will be. Whose are you now?

  SOSIA

  Your own; for with your fists you have laid hands on me. Help, help, citizens of Thebes. MERCURY striking him.

  MERCURY

  What, still bawling, you scoundrel? Speak — what have you come for?

  SOSIA

  For there to be somebody for you to belabour with your fists.

  MERCURY

  Whose are you?

  SOSIA

  Amphitryon’s Sosia, I tell you.

  MERCURY

  For this reason then you shall be beaten the more, because you prate thus idly; I am Sosia, not you.

  SOSIA

  aside . I wish the Gods would have it so, that you were he in preference, and that I were thrashing you.

  MERCURY

  What, muttering still? Strikes him .

  SOSIA

  I’ll hold my tongue then.

  MERCURY

  Who is your master?

  SOSIA

  Whoever you like.

  MERCURY

  How then? What’s your name now?

  SOSIA

  Nothing but what you shall command.

  MERCURY

  You said that you were Amphitryon’s Sosia.

  SOSIA

  I made a mistake; but this I meant to say, that I was Amphitryon’s associate.

  MERCURY

  Why, I was sure that we had no servant called Sosia except myself. Your senses are forsaking you.

  SOSIA

  I wish that those fists of yours had done so.

  MERCURY

  I am that Sosia, whom you were just now telling me that you are.

  SOSIA

  I pray that I may be allowed to discourse with you in quietness, so as not to be beaten.

  MERCURY

  Well then, let there be a truce for a short time, if you want to say anything.

  SOSIA

  I’ll not speak unless peace is concluded, since you are the stronger with your fists.

  MERCURY

  If you wish to say anything, speak; I’ll not hurt you.

  SOSIA

  Am I to trust in your word?

  MERCURY

  Yes, in my word.

  SOSIA

  What, if you deceive me?

  MERCURY

  Why, then may Mercury be angry with Sosia.

  SOSIA

  Then give attention: now I’m at liberty to say in freedom anything I please. I am Sosia, servant of Amphitryon.