Complete Works of Plautus Page 14

  EUCLIO

  On those terms, and with that portion which I mentioned to you.

  MEGADORUS

  Do you promise her then?

  EUCLIO

  I do promise her.

  MEGADORUS

  May the Gods bestow their blessings on it.

  EUCLIO

  May the Gods so do. Take you care of this, and remember that we’ve agreed, that my daughter is not to bring you any portion.

  MEGADORUS

  I remember it.

  EUCLIO

  But I understand in what fashion you, of your class, are wont to equivocate; an agreement is no agreement, no agreement is an agreement, just as it pleases you.

  MEGADORUS

  I’ll have no misunderstanding with you. But what reason is there why we shouldn’t have the nuptials this day?

  EUCLIO

  Why, by my troth, there is very good reason for them.

  MEGADORUS

  I’ll go, then, and prepare matters. Do you want me in any way?

  EUCLIO

  That shall be done. Fare you well.

  MEGADORUS

  going to the door of his house and calling out . Hallo! Strobilus, follow me quickly, in all haste, to the fleshmarket. (Exit MEGADORUS.)

  EUCLIO

  He has gone hence. Immortal Gods, I do beseech you! How powerful is gold! I do believe, now, that he has had some intimation that I’ve got a treasure at home; he’s gaping for that; for the sake of that has he persisted in this alliance.

  EUCLIO, alone.

  EUCLIO

  going to the door of his house, he opens it, and calls to STAPHYLA within . Where are you who have now been blabbing to all my neighbours that I’m going to give a portion to my daughter? Hallo! Staphyla, I’m calling you! Don’t you hear? Make haste in-doors there, and wash the vessels clean. I’ve promised my daughter in marriage; to-day I shall give her to be married to Megadorus here. from the house.

  STAPHYLA

  as she enters . May the Gods bestow their blessings on it! But, i’ faith, it cannot be; ’tis too sudden.

  EUCLIO

  Hold your tongue, and be off. Take care that things are ready when I return home from the Forum, and shut the house up. I shall be here directly. (Exit.)

  STAPHYLA

  What now am I to do? Now is ruin near at hand for us, both for myself and my master’s daughter; for her disgrace and her delivery are upon the very point of becoming known; that which even until now has been concealed and kept secret, cannot be so now. I’ll go in-doors, that what my master ordered may be done when he comes. But, by my faith, I do fear that I shall have to drink of a mixture of bitterness! (Exit.)

  Enter STROBIOUS, ANTHRAX, and CONGRIO, with MUSIC GIRLS and PERSONS carrying provisions.

  STROBILUS

  After my master had bought the provisions, and hired the cooks and these music- girls in the market-place, he ordered me to divide these provisions into two parts.

  LYCONIDES

  By my troth, but you really shan’t be dividing me, I tell you plainly. If you wish me to go anywhere whole, I’ll do my best.

  ANTHRAX

  A very pretty and modest fellow, indeed. As if, when you are a conger by name, you wouldn’t like to be cut into pieces.

  LYCONIDES

  But, Anthrax, I said that in another sense, and not in the one which you are pretending.

  STROBILUS

  Now my master’s going to be married to-day.

  ANTHRAX

  Whose daughter is he to marry?

  STROBILUS

  The daughter of this Euclio, his near neighbour here. For that reason he has ordered half of these provisions here to be presented to him — one cook, and one music-girl likewise.

  ANTHRAX

  That is, you take one half to him, the other half home?

  STROBILUS

  ’Tis just as you say.

  ANTHRAX

  How’s that? Couldn’t this old fellow provide from his own resources for the wedding of his daughter.

  STROBILUS

  Pshaw!

  ANTHRAX

  What’s the matter?

  STROBILUS

  What’s the matter, do you ask? A pumice stone isn’t so dry as is this old fellow.

  ANTHRAX

  Do you really say that it is as you affirm?

  STROBILUS

  Do be judge yourself. Why, he’s for ever crying out for aid from Gods and men, that his property has gone, and that he is ruined root and branch, if the smoke by chance escapes out of doors through the rafters of his house. Why, when he goes to sleep, he ties a bag beneath his gullet.

  ANTHRAX

  Why so?

  STROBILUS

  That when he sleeps, he may lose no breath.

  ANTHRAX

  And does he stop up the lower part of his windpipe as well, lest, perchance, he should lose any breath as he sleeps?

  STROBILUS

  In that ’tis as fair that you should credit me, as it is for me to credit you.

  ANTHRAX

  Why really, I do believe you.

  STROBILUS

  But, further, do you know how it is? I’ faith, he grieves to throw away the water when he washes.

  ANTHRAX

  Do you think a great talent might be begged of this old fellow for him to give us, through which we might become free?

  STROBILUS

  By my troth, if you were to ask it, he would never let you have the loan of hunger. Why, the other day, the barber had cut his nails; he collected all the parings, and carried them off.

  ANTHRAX

  I’ faith, you do describe a miserably stingy wretch.

  LYCONIDES

  But do you think that he does live so very stingily and wretchedly?

  STROBILUS

  A kite, the other day, carried off his morsel of food; the fellow went crying to the Prætor; there, weeping and lamenting, he began to request that he might be allowed to compel the kite to give bail. There are innumerable other things that I could mention, if I had the leisure. But which of you two is the sharper? Tell me.

  LYCONIDES

  I — as being much the better one.

  STROBILUS

  A cook I ask for, not a thief.

  LYCONIDES

  As a cook, I mean.

  STROBILUS

  to ANTHRAX . What do you say?

  ANTHRAX

  I’m just as you see me.

  LYCONIDES

  He’s a nine-day cook; every ninth day he’s in the habit of going out to cook.

  ANTHRAX

  You, you three-lettered fellow; do you abuse me, you thief?

  LYCONIDES

  To be sure I do, you trebly-distilled thief of thieves.

  STROBILUS

  Now do you hold your tongue for the present, and, that lamb, whichever is the fatter of the two ——

  LYCONIDES

  Very well.

  STROBILUS

  Do you, Congrio, take that, and go in-doors there pointing to EUCLIO’S house ; and to a MUSIC-GIRL and some of the PEOPLE with provisions do you follow him; the rest of you this way, to our house.

  LYCONIDES

  By my troth, you’ve made an unfair division; they’ve got the fattest lamb.

  STROBILUS

  But the fattest music-girl shall be given you then. Do you, therefore, go along with him, Phrygia. And do you, Eleusium, step in-doors here, to our house.

  LYCONIDES

  O you crafty Strobilus, have you pushed me off here upon this most miserly old fellow, where if I ask for anything, I may ask even to hoarseness before anything’s found me?

  STROBILUS

  ’Tis very foolish, and ’tis thanklessly done, to do a service to you, when what you do goes for nothing.

  LYCONIDES

  But how so?

  STROBILUS

  Do you ask? In the first place then, there will be no confusion for you there in the house; if you want anything to use, brin
g it from your own home, don’t lose your trouble in asking for it. But here, at our house, there’s great confusion, and a large establishment — furniture, gold, garments, silver vessels. If anything’s lost here (as I know that you can easily keep hands off — if nothing’s in your way), they may say, “The cooks have stolen it; seize them, bind them, beat them, thrust them in the dungeon”. Nothing of that sort will happen to you, inasmuch as there will be nothing for you to steal. Follow me this way.

  LYCONIDES

  I follow.

  STROBILUS

  knocking at the door of EUCLIO’S house . Ho, there Staphyla, come out and open the door.

  STAPHYLA

  from within . Who calls there? STRO. Strobilus.

  Enter STAPHYLA.

  STAPHYLA

  What do you want?

  STROBILUS

  For you to take in these cooks, and this music-girl, and these provisions for the wedding. Megadorus bade me take these things to Euclio.

  STAPHYLA

  Are you about to make this wedding, Strobilus, in honor of Ceres?

  STROBILUS

  Why?

  STAPHYLA

  Because I don’t see any wine brought.

  STROBILUS

  Why, that will be brought just now, when he himself comes back from the market.

  STAPHYLA

  There’s no firewood here in our house.

  LYCONIDES

  There are the beams.

  STAPHYLA

  I’ faith, there are.

  LYCONIDES

  There is wood, then; don’t you be seeking it out of doors.

  STAPHYLA

  What, you unpurified fellow, although your business is with the fire, for the sake of a dinner, or of your own hire, do you request us to set our house on fire?

  LYCONIDES

  I don’t ask you.

  STROBILUS

  Take them in-doors.

  STAPHYLA

  Follow me. They follow her in-doors, and STROBILUS goes with the others into the house of MEGADORUS.

  Enter PYTHODICUS, from the house of MEGADORUS.

  PYTHODICUS

  Mind you your business; I’ll step in and see what the cooks are doing, to observe whom, i’ faith, to-day it is a most laborious task. Unless I manage this one thing, for them to cook the dinner down in the dungeon; thence, when cooked, we might bring it up again in small baskets. But if they should eat below whatever they should cook, those above would go without their dinner, and those below have dined. But here am I chattering, as though I had no business, when there’s such a pack of thieves in the house. Goes into the house.

  Enter EUCLIO, with some chaplets of flowers in his hand.

  EUCLIO

  I wished at length to screw up my courage to-day, so as to enjoy myself at the wedding of my daughter. I come to the market, I enquire about fish; they tell me that it is dear, that lamb is dear, beef is dear, veal, large fish, and pork, all of them are dear. And for this reason were they still dearer; I hadn’t the money. I came away thence in a rage, since I had nothing wherewithal to make a purchase; and thus did I baulk all those rascals. Then I began to think with myself upon the road, “If you are guilty of any extravagance on a festive day, you may be wanting on a common day, unless you are saving.” After I disclosed this reasoning to my heart and appetite, my mind came over to my opinion, that I ought to give my daughter in marriage at as little expense as possible. Now I’ve bought a bit of frankincense, and these chaplets of flowers; these shall be placed upon the hearth for our household God, that he may grant a propitious marriage to my daughter. But what do I —— ? Do I behold my house open? There’s a noise, too, within; is it that I’m robbed, wretch that I am?

  LYCONIDES

  speaking within the house . Seek of the neighbours a bigger pot if you can; this one’s too little, it can’t hold it.

  EUCLIO

  Woe to me! By my faith, I’m a dead man; the gold’s being carried off — my pot’s being looked for. I am certainly murdered, unless I make haste to run with all haste in-doors here! Apollo, prithee do assist and help me, whom thou hast already, before this, helped in such circumstances. Pierce with thine arrows the plunderers of my treasures. But am I delaying to run, before I perish outright. He runs into his house.

  Enter ANTHRAX, from the house of MEGADORUS.

  ANTHRAX

  speaking to some within . Dromo, do you scale the fish. Do you, Machærio, have the conger and the lamprey boned. I’m going to ask the loan of a baking-pan of our neighbour Congrio. You, if you are wise, will have that capon more smoothly picked for me than is a plucked play-actor. But what’s this clamour that’s arising here hard by? By my faith, the cooks, I do believe, are at their usual pranks. I’ll run in-doors, lest there may be any disturbance here for me as well. Retreats into the house of MEGADORUS.

  ACT III.

  Enter CONGRIO, in haste, from the house of EUCLIO.

  LYCONIDES

  roaring out . Beloved fellow-citizens, fellow- countrymen, inhabitants, neighbours, and all strangers, do make way for me to escape! Make all the streets clear! Never have I at any time, until this day, come to Bacchants, in a Bacchanalian den, to cook; so sadly have they mauled wretched me and my scullions with their sticks. I’m aching all over, and am utterly done for; that old fellow has so made a bruising school of me; and in such a fashion has he turned us all out of the house, myself and them, laden with sticks. Nowhere, in all the world, have I ever seen wood dealt out more plentifully. Alackaday! by my faith, to my misery, I’m done for; the Bacchanalian den is opening, here he comes. He’s following us. I know the thing I’ll do: that the master himself has taught me.

  Enter EUCLIO, from his house, driving the COOKS and the MUSIC GIRL before him.

  EUCLIO

  (calling out, while CONGRIO and the others are running off) Come back! Where are you running to, now? Hold you!

  LYCONIDES

  Why are you crying out, you stupid?

  EUCLIO

  Because this instant I shall give your name to the Triumvirs.

  LYCONIDES

  Why?

  EUCLIO

  Because you’ve got a knife.

  LYCONIDES

  ’Tis the proper thing for a cook.

  EUCLIO

  Why did you threaten me?

  LYCONIDES

  I think that it was badly managed, that I didn’t pierce your side with it.

  EUCLIO

  There’s not a person that’s living this day a greater rascal than you, nor one to whom designedly I would with greater pleasure cause a mischief.

  LYCONIDES

  I’ faith, though you should hold your noise, really that’s quite clear; the thing itself is its own witness. As it is, I’m made softer by far with your sticks than any ballet-dancer. But what right have you to touch us, you beggarman? What’s the matter?

  EUCLIO

  Do you even ask me? Is it that I’ve done less than I ought to have done? Only let me —— Is going to strike him.

  LYCONIDES

  Now, by my faith, at your great peril, if this head should feel it!

  EUCLIO

  Troth, I don’t know what may happen hereafter; your head feels it just now! But what business, pray, had you in my house, in my absence, unless I had ordered you? I want to know that.

  LYCONIDES

  Hold your noise, then; because we came to cook for the wedding.

  EUCLIO

  Why the plague do you trouble yourself whether I eat meat raw or cooked, unless you are my tutor.

  LYCONIDES

  I want to know if you will allow or not allow us to cook the dinner here?

  EUCLIO

  I, too, want to know whether my property will be safe in my house.

  LYCONIDES

  I only wish to carry the things away safe that I brought here! I don’t care for yours; should I be coveting your things?

  EUCLIO

  I understand; don’t teach me; I
know.

  LYCONIDES

  What is it, on account of which you now hinder us from cooking the dinner here? What have we done? What have we said to you otherwise than you could wish?

  EUCLIO

  Do you even ask me, you rascally fellow? You who’ve been making a thoroughfare of every corner of my house, and the places under lock and key? If you had stopped by the fireside, where it was your business, you wouldn’t have had your head broken. It has been done for you deservedly! Therefore that you may now know my determination; if you come nearer to the door here, unless I order you, I’ll make you to be the most wretched of creatures. Do you now know my determination? He goes into his house.

  LYCONIDES

  Where are you going? Come you back again! So may Laverna love me well, I’ll expose you at once with loud abuse here before the house, if you don’t order my utensils to be restored to me! What shall I do now? Verily, by my faith, I came here with unlucky auspices; I was hired for a didrachm; I stand in more need now of a surgeon than of wages.

  Enter EUCLIO, from his house, with the pot of money under his cloak.

  EUCLIO

  to himself, as he enters . This, by my faith, wherever I shall go, really shall be with me, and with myself will I carry it, nor will I ever again entrust it to that place, for it to be in such great peril. Speaking to CONGRIO and his SCULLIONS. Now, then, go you all of you in the house, cooks and music-girls; introduce even, if you like, a whole company of hirelings; cook, bustle, and hurry now at once just as much as you please.

  LYCONIDES

  O dear, I’m a ruined man.

  EUCLIO

  Be off! your labour was hired here, not your talk.

  LYCONIDES

  Harkye, old gentleman, for the beating, by my faith, I shall demand of you a recompense. I was hired a while ago to cook, and not to be basted.

  EUCLIO

  Proceed against me at law! Don’t be troublesome! Either cook the dinner, or away with you from the house to downright perdition!

  LYCONIDES

  Go there yourself then. CONGRIO and the COOKS and MUSIC-GIRL go back into the house.

  EUCLIO, alone.

  EUCLIO

  He’s gone. Immortal Gods! A poor man, who begins to have dealings or business with an opulent one, commences upon a rash undertaking! Thus, for instance, Megadorus who has pretended that, for the sake of honoring me, he sends these cooks hither, is plaguing unfortunate me in every way; for this reason has he sent them, that they might purloin this putting his hand on the pot from unfortunate me. Just as I might expect, even my dunghill-cock in-doors, that was bought with the old woman’s savings, had well nigh been the ruin of me; where this was buried, he began to scratch there all round about with his claws. What need of more words? So exasperated were my feelings, I took a stick, and knocked off the head of the cock — a thief caught in the act. I’ faith, I do believe that the cooks had promised a reward to the cock, if he should discover it; I took the opportunity out of their hands, however. What need of many words? I had a regular battle with the dunghill- cock. But see, my neighbour Megadorus is coming from the Forum. I can’t, then, venture to pass by him, but I must stop and speak to him. He retires close to his door.